From a previous post, then the emails that followed, a commenter and I agreed - many of our problems could be solved, if we just had a wife! I've made that glib comment to others before, but it stuck in my brain this week. If I really had a wife, not that I'm anything at all like Rosie O'Donnell or Ellen Degeneres, but if I did, what 13 tasks would I hand over to the 'little lady':

#1 Laundry, but not all of it. Only the clothing worn doing yardwork, that lands in the basket drenched in sweat, and grass stain rings around the socks, or uniforms dragged home from basketball, football, or baseball games. I'd keep the towels and sheets that come out smelling wonderful. And little kid pajamas - those are too cute to pass up. And little kid socks - so small, it's too sweet rolling them up into little balls.

#2 Changing the bed linens, and a lot more often than I do. There has to be a happy medium between my once a month and hotels which change them nightly. If she'd hang them out on the clothesline and let them airdry, that's be okay too. I wouldn't require ironing. Having more of my own on a daily basis, I'm pretty comfortable with wrinkles.

#3 Packing lunches, and of course she'd include the sweet note, with a reminder of prayer coverage for a test, or a meeting, or safety on the road, or someone nice to sit beside them at lunch. It'd have to have a meat, side, sweet, and something extra.

#4 Cleaning the soap scum off the bathroom tiles. Especially the tiles closest to the bottom of the shower. Add to that removing the hair that collects in the drain and must be removed with long tweezers several times a year. I'm okay to hand that over too. Believe it or not, I don't mind cleaning the rest of the bathroom, and I'm not sure what that says about me.

#5 Planning menus, to suit the entire family, and be interesting, and include everyone's favorite foods, and be those that can be prepared in fifteen minutes or less, aren't expensive, and don't cause undue gas or heartburn.

#6 Pet care - on all levels. The vet appointments, brushing, combing, bathing, ear cleanup, yard cleanup, catbox cleanup. I'd keep playing ball and going for walks.

#7 Paying the bills, balancing the checkbook, filing all the paperwork, keeping track of whether or not the furnace was serviced, or the car, or the washer is still under warranty when it breaks, and where on earth is the warranty? All that stuff. She could also choose new appliances when the old ones break, figure out how to pay for them, and deal with the delivery guys who bring them through the door and scratch them on the way in. She'd have a blast doing that.

#8 Picking out Christmas gifts for those family members who don't need or want a single solitary thing, but you have to let them know you love them, and picked something out especially for them, that will be the best present they get this year, but won't make them get or look fat. And didn't cost too much so they don't feel either guilty, or like you're squandering your money away on foolish things. Those are so easy to pick, she'll love that chore.

#9 Anything having to do with a vehicle, especially maintenace or repair of it, but also including driving it, unless it's a summer day with blue skies above, windows rolled down, music turned up loud, and an ice cold diet coke in the cup holder. Them I'm okay with driving - anywhere. She can have all the carpools, with five kids in the back, all chattering away at high volume, when it's the end of the day and your head feels like it might explode, and you can't stop for a diet coke or everyone else in the car will want something and it'll cost you another $7.00 so it's just not worth it to stop. Try to ignore the headache and keep on driving. She can have that one.

#10 Purchasing anything online, after you've surfed the net at how many locations, found the absolute best deal, checked out the buyer, typed in all the credit card information, then knowing when you hit "click here to pay" and it doesn't go through the first time, she'll know what to do, and if she doesn't and it gets messed up, she'll be able to deal with the credit card bill when it arrives in the mail with a duplicate charge of $299.99 for an airline ticket she didn't mean to purchase in duplicate, since she obviously can't sit in two seats at once, although they are small enough she could use two.

#11 Anything having to do with bodily discharges, from anywhere, from anyone, at any age, for any reason. And if it's a slumber party and said discharges are not from a family member, that's over the top and they only need to have the phone number of the person who claims the child on their income taxes very handy, so they can get to your house before there is a repeat occurence. Especially if you were dumb enough to install shag carpet in your home.

#12 All shopping excursions that involve taking more than one child to purchase anything, anywhere, but especially if it's after 7 pm. You'd likely fit in with everyone else out at that hour with multiple children, but none of them are people you would want to get to know, or spend time with.

#13 And finally, she can have the task of figuring out, when my husband is clearly upset with me, but when I ask what's wrong, he says "nothing" but doesn't really talk the rest of the night, so I know something is in fact wrong, and it's probably my fault, but I don't know if he wants me to keep asking, or drop it, or cook something, or shave my legs, and be available for extra snuggling. She can have that task too, except the snuggling.

There you go - thirteen tasks I'd hand over. Of course, there are so many that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, but that's another list for another day. If you participate in Thursday 13 leave a link; I'd love to wander over.

Note: Happiest of 10th Anniversary to Chris and Sarah xoxoxoxo

Labels: Girl Talk